As a recently married woman and the honeymoon over I am left staring at the reality that I need to change my last name and all things associated with my name. I have agreed with my husband to do this even though it is almost the saddest thing I can possibly think of doing. So obviously I’m not thrilled to change my last name (ask my husband and then watch his eyes roll), but I know that I will because of the potential of us having children in the distant future. The very true part is that I don’t want to keep my maiden name as a my last name either! Not even that feels right to me any more. I wanted to hyphenate my name in the very beginning, but ultimately decided against it after thinking about how many chances that has to be messed up by the government, banks, and anything really with formal paper work. You could say that I’m wussing out here, but really I don’t want to fight like that all the time for people to get my name right. So then I thought I would have 2 middle names, but this still seems equally confusing. I want my maiden name to be quite a prominent part of my name. Finally, I’ve decided to replace my middle name with my maiden name. I’ve never really been that attached to my middle name of Marie. There is no significance what so ever associated with it (other than my parents thought it sounded nice). But thinking of just taking it out seems way harsh too. Even with a name that I’m not wild about, it’s still hard to think about it being gone. Christopher was filling out the paper work for me and when he asked what I wanted my name to be, I burst into tears.
Being an avid blog reader, I googled “how to cope with changing your last name” to see if I could find another soul who shared my woes. I found nothing. I got a lot of people saying that they would never change their last name, people who said they would hyphenate their name and people saying that they just wouldn’t go by their married name professionally (which I have no idea if that even works!) just in social situations. What I found a lack in was people who were going to change their name but just felt sad about it. So I’ve been left to try to figure out what to do and how to deal with it all on my own. I think I might do a very small memorial of my former middle name and a little celebration on moving my maiden name as well as welcoming my new last name. I’m quite sure this might sound like I’m being overly sensitive, but this has been the hardest part of getting married for me. Trying to embrace your new married self without sacrificing your past seems like a lot to take in. This little ‘service’ of sorts I’m going to do will be a way for me to cope with this identity change. Have any of you ever felt like this? What did you do to accept this?
By Jessie Silva 06/21/12 - 6:02 pm
Honestly, I do get what you’re saying. I changed my name because a) I was super excited to actually be legally linked to Ramon but mostly because b) it’s “what you do”. However, even now, a year later, it’s still weird to see or write or say or answer to or ANYTHING “Jessie Silva”. I embrace everything there is about being a Schumaker, from our big noses to our overt sarcasm. But would I still answer to “Jessie Schumaker”? It doesn’t feel right anymore. But neither does “Jessie Silva”. It’s like we’re in an odd sort of identity limbo. How have I coped with it? Again, I did it because it was expected/assumed of me…so I just kind of…go with it. I’m hoping eventually I’ll get used to it. I’m sure you will too, someday. Hopefully.
(Also, you should have attachments to “Marie” because we share that middle name, so you’d be getting rid of your connection to me!…and OMG I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING I WAS GOING TO DO WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED. Will you send me your new address please?)
By Lynn Contos 06/21/12 - 7:37 pm
I couldn’t part with my birth last name and feel keeping it as part of my name honors my parents, so it is now my legal middle name. Now, you have to practice signing your new last name.
By Nancy Jones 06/21/12 - 8:03 pm
Abby, I totally understand your feelings. I loved my maiden name of Nugent and was proud to be a Nugent. Your name doesn’t change who you are, just how you are identified in writing. I am still Nancy Nugent (ask your husband–he’ll tell you the Nugent is still there. lol), but I am proud to be Mrs. Larry Jones. I, too, did it because it’s what you do (of course that was 30 years ago), but I wanted to, in a way, too. I also thought Nugent was more unique than Jones. I didn’t relish the idea of having one of the most common surnames in America, but I wanted to be “one” with my husband and I wanted our future family to all have the same name. I don’t regret it, if that helps. I really do understand. It was the hardest thing to do, but it kind of grows on you. I had friends suggest Nugent-Jones, but chose not to. I would not give up my middle name cuz it is my mom’s name. I didn’t like it as a child, but love that I have it now. (BTW, today is be her 85th birthday, altho she is celebrating in heaven instead of with us.) Larry says you need to create some artwork to memorialize your name like you did for Pluto. Sounds like a good idea to me! Just know that I am not rolling my eyes at you, but completely empathize with you. Also know that we both totally love you!
By Krystle 06/21/12 - 8:19 pm
This post came to mind when I read this: http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/04/on-name-changing-and-weddings/
That post alone has over 600 comments, so you’re not alone.
I thought the best advice came at the end of the post: “Consider waiting if you need to.” I know people who waited years after the wedding to make their name change decision. Don’t feel rushed to figure it all out now. It’s okay to take some time. One woman even said she would change her name once they were ready to have kids.
By Nancy Jones 06/22/12 - 9:28 am
I read a lot of the posts to the link that Krystle sent. Somewhere someone said that the MIL doesn’t get a vote. Please know that I am not expecting a vote. I just wanted to share my story and feelings because I was in the same boat 30 years ago and really do empathize with you. Another comment was about being being offended when refered to as Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname. I must admit that I prefer Mrs. Nancy Jones. But I am happy to be Mrs. and not Ms. I am proud to be married to him and don’t mind showing it by being Mrs. Guess part of that is that I waited so long to find my “prince” and then wanted the world to know. lol
By Krystle(Coker) Wegeler 06/27/12 - 10:16 pm
As we got married on the same day I thought I would share with you… I always knew I would change my name but like you am not thrilled at the idea. It’s your identity, at work with friends and changing everything is just logistically difficult. I am still in the midst of making all the changes but its extremely emotional. I was not in a position to give up my middle name, so I have done the traditional thing, but ultimately its about what’s going to make you and your husband comfortable. Good for you for finding the best solution for you!
Yay! We are really grown up now… At least on paper!